Fake

Christians are good at faking things. Have you noticed that? Because I have.

We're always pretending to be good and fine and everything is just peachy-keen, even if that's not true. I don't know if that's because we don't want to impose our problems on other people-although that would be the ideal answer- or if it's just because that's how society has become, and when someone asks you how you are, it's out of courtesy, so our answer becomes courteous. This leads me to wonder what would happen if we all started answering truthfully when someone asks "How are you?" What would happen if instead of saying, "Good, how about you?" we said "I'm not having the greatest day. Thanks for asking." What would happen then?

Anyway, I'm getting off topic. Well last night at my youth group a friend of our youth leader's came and gave his testimony. Man, was it something. He had been into everything you could possibly imagine. Drugs, alcohol, adultery, porn, spousal abuse, you name it, he'd done it. Now, my life has been relatively tame, so while his story captured me, I didn't connect with it. But it wasn't until the end that something happened, and honestly, I still don't even know what it was. But he started talking about lies, and how he became tired of lying and covering up lies with another lie and so on. So he finished his testimony, and our youth leader came up and started talking. I swear, it was like he knew exactly what was going on in my life. I felt like he was talking directly to me. Because I've been feeling really fake lately. Things have been going on that I haven't told anybody about, and I'm not sure why. I just like to pass it off like everything is fine. And it hasn't been anything serious, at least not in the eyes of this world, and it's something that's easy to cover up with good Christian answers.

But last night, I had this moment where I kinda went "Oh crap." because I knew that today was the day it was going to change. Yesterday was the day where God got to me. And our youth leader was talking and my heart started beating a mile a minute, and I was already trying not to cry. I was biting the inside of my cheek so hard, it still feels kinda weird today. So he started praying and I just bent over, and I lost it. I mean, I wasn't pretty crying, I was full out sobbing. So, of course, my two friends noticed this and came over around me, and I made at least one if not both of them cry.

After the prayer, I just sat there for a while with my friends, still trying to rein in my tears. Trying to find words to express what was happening, because neither of them had a clue. I kinda tried to explain it as our assistant youth leader came over. She listened, and then put exactly what I was trying to say into words. I don't know how she did that. But she prayed with me and I tried to calm myself down. By this time most everyone else had left the room, except a couple people.

So we started joking and stuff, and we went out by the church van where everyone else was. I was fully prepared to be bombarded with people asking if I was okay, but surprisingly, only one person did. It was almost a relief. I think it was mostly because none of them really knew me well enough, and they were all feeling awkward. That's okay. I get it.

So anyway, I don't know where I am anymore. I don't know where I go from here. But I'm feeling better. And I'm just kinda letting God take this where he wants, wherever that may be.

Lisa